Pittsburgh, PA - A completely non-decomposed human body was discovered Wednesday night near the shores of the Allegheny River on Pittsburgh’s south side. Pittsburgh police have identified the body as belonging to 39-year-old Dana Watson, a pastry chef and mother of four.
The non-dismembered remains consisted of a fully clothed body, two arms, and two legs complete with all fingers and toes. Watson’s head was found nearby firmly attached to her upper torso and was reportedly questioning why the police were bothering her so much.

“I kept telling them I wasn’t dead,” Watson said, “but they kept poking me with a stick and putting quarters on my eyes.” Watson’s body was in no way sexually abused and there is no foul play suspected.

The Allegheny County Coroner’s office conducted a preliminary forensic examination Thursday but was unable to find anything wrong with the body. “She is actually in very good health for a woman her age, “ said Ron Chima, the coroner who examined Watson’s body, “I’d totally do her.” Watson, who was late for her son’s soccer game, declined to give Chima her phone number.

Candles and flyers were set up along Watson’s street Thursday night and a neighborhood watch program is being assembled to prevent incidents like this from happening again. “You can’t be too safe,” says Michael Bubica, a Pittsburgh native. “Women have been perfectly safe in this area for far too long. They may be not missing now but it’s only a matter of time until they aren’t non-missing.” Watson seemed to disagree. “I was only looking for my kid’s god-damned Frisbee for Chist’s sake,” she said. “Just because a person is near a large body of water doesn’t automatically mean they’re dead.”

Pennsylvania State Police Sgt. Tom Kerub would not speculate about whether the discovery of Watson’s body could be connected to one of the PIttsburgh area's low-profile non-missing women cases. So far this year, there have been 147,289 non-missing women in and around the Pittsburgh area. “It never gets any easier,” said Kerub “We seem to be getting more and more calls for women who aren’t missing every day.” As a family man, Kerub was personally affected by this find. He has a wife and two young daughters all of whom are not missing.

Watson was called to the city morgue for a routine identification. When asked to attest to the identity of the body, Watson confirmed that the body was her own and requested that the police please stop calling her.

by Matt Kelley
written for The Bunyon